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Satire  Published 05/12/18 1:42am

Death Rate of Squirrels on College Green Skyrockets; Penn Researchers Blame Toxic Environment

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Photo by skeeze / CC0  


An alarming number of squirrels have recently been found dead on College Green. With so few showing signs of physical trauma, many assumed that this string of deaths was due to chemical poisoning.

Unfortunately, these morbid theories have proven to be correct. Penn landscaping services recently began using compost from dining halls around campus to fertilize the gardens on College Green. Unfortunately for the squirrels who bury their nuts in these gardens, this compost is actually highly toxic.  

According to a team of researchers led by Brian Gutwomann, Penn Dining halls do not meet even the lowest standards for composting. 

"We found large deposits of decaying uranium, asbestos, and mercury in the dining hall waste.  I actually do not understand how the dining halls have survived—legally speaking—for so long without being busted," said Gutwomann.  

His college, Tracy Jordan, was also confused.  "What I don't understand is how the students have yet to suffer. Our research indicates that they must be consuming virtually no food from the dining halls to remain alive.

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