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Satire  Published 05/08/18 8:25pm

Junior Who Thought They Were Cool for Hanging out with Only Seniors Scrambling to Lock Down Friends for Next Year

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Photo from Max Pixel / CC0


Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.

“Hey, kid,” one yelled to her after yet another fraternity rejected their ratio. “Come have a beer!”

Wrankin spent her next three years flying high, partying with upperclassmen while her hallmates swapped the names of different frat boys to say when the bouncer asked, “Who do you know here?”

Wrankin never had to question that she was cooler than all of her peers. The flame of social superiority warmed her fireplace heart until the day finally came that she looked at her calendar to see 'Senior Commencement' only a few short weeks away.

“It was then that I realized that I really missed all my freshman year hallmates and wanted to see how they’ve been doing for the past three years,” said Wrankin.. “Also, all the people in all my clubs, and the kids who sit next to me in class. There are so many amazing people at this school whom I totally ignored while I had a better option, and I’m really excited to get to know each and every one of them.”

Wrankin now has a calendar full of amiable lunches and informal plans to meet up and study, and she reports being very optimistic that she can still feel cool next year.

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