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Satire  Published 05/31/18 8:17am

​High School Reunion Uneventful: No One’s Gotten Fat Yet

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Photo by Jeshoots / CC0


Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.

Wilson was disappointed when, rather than regressing to her days of mocking her peers and hoping desperately that no one was doing the same to her, she spent the entire event listening to her classmates reminisce about when Juice Press was the only option for cold-pressed juices and raw vegan delicacies. She barely felt superior even when reminding her classes that there were still many more options than Juice Press in 2014.

Never one to stay down for long, Wilson has expressed optimism that someone will have gotten fat by their five- or ten-year reunions. 

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