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Satire  Published 04/25/18 12:34pm

Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil

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Photo by LithiumoxideCC BY-SA 3.0


In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.

Fulton is a classics major, so he decided to bring his education to life by shouting lines from Virgil at freshman girls stumbling home from a late-night. Virgil is not known for having happy endings in his poetry—his most famous female protagonist stabs herself in the chest and then throws herself on a pyre when her boyfriend leaves her—but Fulton has familiarity interacting with dead people and dead languages because all he does is weep into his Latin translation of Harry Potter. So, he figured Virgil was a good poet to choose.

Fulton began by stretching out his neckbeard and melodiously calling, “Latet anguis in herba,” which translates to “a snake lurks in the grass,” the snake being his shriveled penis. Next, he tried “Fit via vi”, or “force finds a way,” which fortunately was not understood by any passersby. After several hours of clearing phlegm out of his throat to make way for his Latin incantations, he left the scene and headed home to wipe his tears away with pages from the Metamorphoses.

Quis talia fando Temperet a lacrimis? Who could tell such things and still refrain from tears? Next time, he plans to get pussy by whispering sweet nothings in Greek into the ears of semi-conscious sorority sisters. He even pronounces ancient Greek correctly, like a native. Nothing makes panties drop like talking about the gruesome battles in the Odyssey. Fulton can even act them out with his hand-carved wooden sword (a metaphor for his genitals). Next time, he hopes that the gods will be on his side and that the vaginas will abound.

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