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Satire  Published 04/16/18 7:08pm

4 Milks that Say ‘I’m Not Lactose Intolerant, I’m From Los Angeles’

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Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 


Feeling a little off these days? Third chakra out of alignment? Not allergic to anything but maybe feel a little weird sometimes after consuming your body weight in dairy products? Just want to be a part of something?

If you said yes to any of the above and are looking to complicate the life of your local barista, here are four milks that scream ‘I’m gastrointestinally stable, but God forbid I be left out of the wellness revolution.’

1. Oat Milk

After the overconsumption of Almond Milk single handedly led California into a three year drought state of emergency, Oat Milk moved in as America’s socially conscious beverage of choice. Added benefits of sipping that sweet grain juice? Your body’s pH will alkalize and the guy who ghosted you will finally text you back.

2. Hemp Milk

Nothing says ‘I’m chill’ like a Cannabis Sativa plant-derivative beverage that, like, almost maybe contains THC, so how edgy are you? Hemp Milk is known for it’s rich, nutty flavor and powerful medicinal properties. Stressed out during finals season? Hemp Milk’s got your back. Can’t sleep? Hemp Milk to the rescue again. Broken leg? Hemp. Milk. Did we mention Hemp Milk comes from the same plant as weed? That’s like, sooooo chill.

3. Heirloom Bean Milk

If you’ve been feeling spiritually disconnected, nothing will ground you quite like a robust Heirloom Bean Milk. It is a little known fact that bean milk served as the sole sustenance for our hominid ancestors. The beverage is made by soaking fossilized beans from the Mesozoic Era in a pool of non-denominational holy water. This complete protein can be used to jazz up your latte or summon dead loved ones in a seance!

4. Regular Milk But Three Times The Price

Want to let people know you have money to burn? Get the same milk you would buy from the grocery store but marked up way beyond its value. Maybe it’s served in a retro milk carton. Maybe its hormone- and GMO-free. Maybe it was aged for six years in a chunk of rose quartz—who cares!

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