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Satire  Published 04/22/18 11:20am

Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole

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Photo from PxHere / CC0


All of us have heard of the alleged health benefits that come with drinking kombucha, and we have all witnessed the spread of the fizzy, multicolored drinks across shelves at every grocery store, from FroGro to Whole Foods. For some, the high price tag keeps them away. For others, the fermentation from a floating piece of mold that looks like a breast implant is enough to prevent them from consuming the drink. However, Simone Williams (C ’20) has cut costs and overcome all of these fears in one fell swoop: for the past three weeks, she has been constantly brewing kombucha in her asshole.

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.

She always has an ass full of kombucha wherever she goes—to class, to the gym, or to frat parties. When asked how this has affected her life, Williams said, “My anal muscles are so strong now. I mean, I can’t let that fizzy liquid pour out during class—that would be so disruptive. So I hold it in until I can release it into a jar and sell it to my classmates, family, and friends at home. They think it has a really unique taste.”

We asked her about the sanitation of her brewery, and she told us that she washes her asshole out with bleach before sucking up the scoby, and always makes sure that the jars she uses to package the drink are sterile. “It’s really a social perception that the asshole is so unclean. I think more people should think about how their bodies can be put to use in making different products. It’s so good for the environment,” Williams told us.

We asked if the scoby had ever fallen out. “Only once, when I was a beginner,” Williams confessed. “I’m so much stronger now—I don’t anticipate that happening again.”

Thanks for sharing with us, Simone! We look forward to see where your anal brewery will take you!

Ed Note: Since the publication of this profile, Simone has been hospitalized for a bacterial infection that spread throughout her entire gastrointestinal tract. All of the water in her body has turned to kombucha. Please, do not experiment with home-brewing kombucha in any personal orifice.

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