Satire  Published 03/04/18 10:52am

Wharton Sophomores Begin Recruiting for Summer 2068 Retirement Home Positions


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

It is commonly said that "the grind don’t stop." And for numerous Wharton students, the grind for summer internship positions has already begun.

Over the past month, many Wharton freshmen and sophomores have been spotted roaming Huntsman Hall, searching for information sessions and networking receptions—not for this summer, nor next summer, but in fact for Summer 2068.

Many of the world’s top retirement homes have begun recruiting at Penn, where they seek to find their next bright class of lonely, miserable laborers, also known as “junior retirement analysts."

For students like Candace Roberts (W ‘20), it’s important to get started early in order to get into the top retirement homes. “I’m shooting for a top home like JPM (Jacksonville Personal Manor) or maybe even MGS (Minneapolis Golden Sunrise). They’re really competitive, but I’m on the executive board of the Wharton Undergraduate Retirement Club, so I think I have a good shot.”

“I definitely want to get into a good home, but I obviously don’t want to stay in the home for the rest of my life,” stated Ryan Lee (EW ‘20). “I’m planning on staying for one to two years and using the experience to secure future retirement opportunities. I’ve always wanted to start my own retirement home, so gaining experience during the summer will help me achieve that dream."

We wish the best of luck to these students as they seek meaningful and essential opportunities for Summer 2068. If anything, we know for certain that their pursuits aren't premature.

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