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Satire  Published 03/14/18 1:33am

'I'm A Giver,' Says Girl Who Covers Entire Outlet With Laptop Charger

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Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Melissa Reitman (C ‘21) is not like other girls. “I’ve been giving back my whole life,” Reitman said. “When I came out of the womb, I asked my doctors if they needed any help finishing up.”

Reitman further explained that, growing up, her parents always placed an emphasis on service. “I didn’t get any of my Bat Mitzvah money—it went straight to the World Wildlife Fund. And I spent my 16th birthday learning the ins and outs of geriatric care.”

Midway through her interview, Reitman reached to plug in her laptop charger to a panel on the wall of Saxby’s. Reitman’s massive charger covered not one, but two of the potential outlets.

Perhaps anticipating judgment, Reitman immediately got defensive. “What? There are probably, like, a ton of outlets here,” she said. “God forbid one person has to go 30 minutes without a fully charged laptop. Cry me a river. Now, as I was saying before—If you’re not living for others, you’re not living.”

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