About

Satire  Published 03/22/18 3:17pm

Business Frat Makes Pledges Memorize Excel Shortcuts

accountantcountingmicrosoftexcelcalculation1794122

Photo from Max Pixel / CC0


As fraternities across the country are being reprimanded for their brutal pledging tactics, one of Penn's business fraternities, Beta Iota Zeta (BIZ), has taken a slightly different approach to pledging.

Reports indicate that the business fraternity has mandated that their pledges perform a variety of grueling yet professionally enriching tasks. These include reciting a Goldman Sachs employment contract from heart, shaking hands with every human being in a five-mile radius of Penn's campus, and worst of all, memorizing every Microsoft Excel shortcut.

The fraternity claims that these tasks are designed to transform the pledges into better businesspeople and better human beings. "How the hell do you expect to survive in this world without knowing Excel?!" exclaimed Richard Wong (C '19), the current pledge-master of the fraternity. "No company would even dream of hiring you if you don't have these valuable skills. Well I mean, yeah, I guess they train you on the job for a couple weeks, but it's always good to get a head start, right?" 

"Control-space, Control-T, Alt-H, we've mastered it all," claimed Connor Monroe (W '21), a current pledge of BIZ. UTB's reporting at a recent pledge event, however, has proven this to be incorrect. 

"HOW DO YOU SELECT AN ENTIRE COLUMN?" yelled pledge-master Wong at the young, nervous pledges, dressed head to toe in business-formal attire. Unable to answer this question, the pledges were brutally punished, forced to drink an entire gallon of the Wall Street Bull's urine.

We hope that these tasks will encourage the pledges to, at the very least, excel at Excel. 

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.