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Satire  Published 03/03/18 12:45am

A Letter To the Penn Community From the Office of President Amy Gutmann: Hi, I'd Like You All To Take Some Time Out of Your Days to Read My Letter Emptily Pandering to All of You

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Photo by Daniel Xu / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Hey you.

How are you doing?

Good? Good. That’s good.

I’m just checking up on you. Just make sure you’re not checking your email in class, hahaha!

Anyways, I’m Amy G, I’m the lovable President everybody loves to meme, and for the next 2-3 minutes of your life, I’m going to force empty nothings into your skull courtesy of the Red and Blue Crew. Why? Because it’s my job and I love it.

I mean if I didn’t do this, I literally wouldn’t have reason to take the train down from the City. So here I am! Rock me like a hurricane! Haha! Remember that song? Dun-dun-dun-nah-dun! This email could be blank and it would add as much to your Penn experience. But really, sit back let it happen; my name’s on your degree.

So what do we all like these days? Lin-Manuel Miranda? Beluga caviar? What makes the average 18-22 year old tick? My research team is telling my Juuls and a woman name Le Anh, but I don’t know what either of those mean, so here’s a picture of the Penn Quaker!

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You’re welcome!

Yep, other than revoking meaningless degrees from predators three years after the fact, these empty, email-equivalents-of-milk are basically what I do, so thanks for letting me slid into your dm's and give the once over with the ol' panderino.

Anyway, my pandering is almost done, and I have 6 o'clock squash with the DNC Chair, so I’ll just end on this note: You all owe me your livelihoods in a 21st century economy, while I, paid by the Penn endowment, owe each of you nothing! Until next time!

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