Van Pelt to Install Full-Body Scanners at Exit

Citing substandard security, Van Pelt Library director Bob Glass announced on Saturday that Van Pelt is planning to install full-body scanners at the library’s exit.

The scanners, purchased from the TSA, will replace a millisecond-long glance at patrons’ open backpack performed by security guards. Originally used to detect suspicious airplane carry-on items, such as toothpaste, the scanners will create nude renderings of everyone who walks through them and spot a stolen book 50 percent of the time.

Glass said he was disappointed by the method of security that Van Pelt has been using. “Security guards pretending to check your bags works pretty well, but it just wasn’t up to snuff,” he said. “Although only one book has been stolen in the last 40 years, we thought the security system needed an upgrade.”