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Clara Williams (E ‘18) has been giving campus tours for the past three years. As per regulations, she is mandated to gush about clubs she has not met with in years, wax poetic about famous visiting speaker events which she’s never bothered to attend, and lead her group into a mad sprint the moment they risk catching sight of DRL.
But one stipulation has, over the years, wormed its way into her brain.
Like all tour guides, she must convince prospective applicants that her favorite Penn tradition is throwing toast on Franklin Field before football games. Only then, Penn studies have concluded, will high schoolers believe Penn is fun and storied enough to be worth their time.
A bit cynical, sure. But what’s the harm?
As Clara would tell you, the cost of this ruse is far greater than she’d ever have imagined.
“I woke up this morning in a cold sweat,” stuttered a visibly trembling Williams. “I had this really vivid dream where I was holding a five gallon bucket full of toast and flinging slices onto Franklin Field. I— I have no idea where that came from; I’ve never even been inside the stadium. What’s happening to me?"
To make matters worse, Clara’s friends have been steadily distancing themselves from her.
“I know that we’re supposed to respect our friends for who they are,” sighed Robert Baldon (N ‘19), “but there have to be limits, you know? She’s been going on about her favorite slices of bread to fling on the field for the past few weeks, and I know for a fact that in addition to being apathetic to football, she’s horrifically intolerant to gluten.”
At press time, Williams was found leading a group of confused high schoolers around Huntsman Hall for the thirteenth time in a row, repeating “Yep, I use the GSRs here all the time,” in a hollow, lost voice.