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Satire  Published 02/20/18 10:00pm

Penn Crushes: To the Jewish Guy From Westchester, You Know Who You Are

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Photo by Pierre-Auguste Renoir / Public Domain 


Hey there.

To that guy in my Geology recitation, you make my heart flutter like a million butterflies trapped in a beehive.

Seeing you in your grey joggers, white Stan Smiths, and APES sweatshirt is the highlight of my day.

I always get lost in your eyes, which are hidden behind those round-rimmed Warby Parker glasses you wear everyday.

Does anyone know if he’s single? He has dark, curly hair and I think he’s from Westchester.

I know you’re an Econ major, so let me know if its pareto optimal for us to hook up ;). Wait, you might actually be pre-med. Or in Wharton? 

Yeah, you’re that one Jewish guy from New York in Wharton who wears joggers a lot. You know who you are. Hit me up.

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