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Satire  Published 02/13/18 9:45pm

OP-ED: I Didn't Ghost You, I've Just Been Wandering Around the 5th Floor of Huntsman

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Photo by Zach Sheldon / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Oh, hey. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I guess right around three weeks, eh? That was when you invited me over at 2 am to watch a third of an episode of “Black Mirror” before promptly falling asleep, both of us fully clothed. I tried to be the little spoon and fall asleep with you, but you kept coughing and starfished the entire bed. So I went home.

Really, though, I had a nice time! What? You think I’ve been ignoring your texts? No, really, I’ve just been super busy. Sure, this may sound a little shady, but I promise I didn’t ghost you. I’ve just been wandering around the fifth floor of Huntsman.

Seriously, the fifth floor exists! I didn’t know either. One night I was studying in the second floor QSR... Well, not really “studying,” I guess. I was mostly just staring at my computer, taking up space at a desk for several hours on end so no one else could take my spot. Regardless, I got bored, and decide to explore the motherland—while leaving my stuff at the desk, of course.

One thing led to another, and after somehow finding a cozy nook tucked into this strangely circular fifth floor, I haven’t really left. My meals come from vending machines. My exercise is “8-Minute Abs” projected on GSR televisions. I haven’t really been to class or slept in a bed in a while, but this is my new home. I love it here.

So, to conclude, no, I didn’t ghost you. Maybe we could try hanging out again? Contemplating my life’s worth and counting the ceiling tiles are some of my favorite activities here. Come through!

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