Satire  Published 02/05/18 3:47am

BREAKING: Penn Freshman Arrested for Throwing Toast at Super Bowl


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0

It’s been a tough day for College freshman James Stern.

An avid (recent) Eagles fan, the highly spirited Penn student made the trek over to Minneapolis to view this year’s Super Bowl LII, live and in person. This event, Stern’s first ever NFL game, comes four months after viewing his first ever Penn College Football game. Unfortunately for Stern, the traditions are not the same.

At the end of the third quarter, Stern caused mass riots in the stands by throwing pieces of toast all over the stadium. Reports indicate that these pieces of toast injured five Patriots fans and one referee, and somehow managed to tear Carson Wentz’s ACL even further.

“Stern has been charged on three counts of assault, one count of inducing a riot, and seven counts of wasting perfectly good toast,” states Officer Richard Franklin, Chief of Police in Minneapolis.

“Hurrah, Hurrah, Pennsylvania!” exclaimed Stern as he was forcefully thrown out of U.S. Bank Stadium and sent to the nearby prison. “Hurrah for the Red and the Blue!”

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