Freshman Pulls Dorm Fire Alarm so He Can Shit in Peace

Everyone has their quirks, and Donnie Kasey (C ‘21) is no different. These are things that Donnie values in life: photoshopping pictures of his professors on the bodies of models, putting ketchup in his morning coffee, and taking long, relaxing shits on the toilet. Every time Donnie sits down on the toilet in his Quad dorm room, he takes off his socks, grabs a nice book and some snacks, and winds down in relaxing bliss. His daily toilet time is the only thing keeping him sane, and Donnie would do anything to make sure his little adventures are undisturbed.

So he was terribly irritated one day when his bathroom break was interrupted. The shower in the room on his right was blasting some earsplitting country music, and that weird couple in his hall was tasting a little afternoon delight. Donnie’s entire mood shifted as he snapped out of his zen, and unable to concentrate, became awfully vexed.

Donnie, in his uncontrollable fury, rushed out of the bathroom and headed straight for the hall’s fire alarm, and pounded on it with the force of a thousand bowel movements after Commons’ Taco Tuesday. As the building was evacuated, Donnie peacefully finished his ritual and continued the rest of his day a calmer and gentler creature.