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Satire  Published 02/11/18 5:10pm

'Commons Workers Are So Rude,' Says Girl Who's Never Held a Door Open for Anyone in Her Life

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Photo by Gregory Boyek / The Daily Pennsylvanian


Amelia Cabot (W ’21) has major qualms about the Class of 1920 Commons. Unlike most freshmen, however, her main issue is not with the food or the cleanliness of the place. Rather, it’s with the workers.

“Commons workers are like, so rude.”

Once we heard Cabot drop this exceptionally hot take, we had to find out more. “They are honestly the most inconsiderate people I have ever met,” Cabot finally said after we made several attempts to get her attention. She had been engrossed in a game of Candy Crush during our conversation.

“I feel like they don’t even try to be friendly,” complained Cabot. “Once, I asked one of them to ‘hurry up already’ because she was literally taking forever to swipe my stupid PennCard. And I swear she went more slowly on purpose! Like, who the fuck does she think she is?”

As we exited Starbucks Under Commons after the interview, Cabot let the door swing shut behind her as we followed her out the door, causing a painful head injury that made a Commons worker to immediately rush to our aid. Sources close to Cabot confirm that she has never held open a door for anyone in her life.

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