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Satire  Published 02/13/18 9:42pm

3 Valentine's Day Outfits That Say 'I'm a Feminist and This Holiday Is Oppressive but I Still Want Chocolate.'

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Photo from Max Pixel / CC0


We all already know that Valentine’s Day is a sexist holiday created by corporations to sell you things you don’t need to prove you love the people closest to you. Obviously, as a woke, intersectional, patriarchy-fighting, planned parenthood-donating feminist, you want no part in this holiday. But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve chocolate. Here are three outfits to wear this Valentine’s Day to let everyone around you know that you don’t believe in being a cog in the fascist, heteronormative, oppressive, capitalist regime, but still want chocolates on February 14th.

1. A shirt that says “I burn bras,” ‘I’m with her’ pins on your backpack, black doc martens, and socks that have some sort of famous artwork printed on the side.

This outfit shows everyone you’re obviously woke, but not so woke that you don’t care about fashion or that you won’t accept chocolate. You fight the patriarchy every single day by not shaving your armpits, so you really deserve some sort of reward for your contribution to society.

2. A candy g-string.

Obviously you’re proud to be in control of your body. You don’t care what other people think of you and are probably pretty cold. Because you already have candy, the next step is for suitors/strangers/your mom to send some chocolates your way (probably hot chocolate because you probably already lost a nipple in the cold).

3. A shirt that says “I’m a Feminist and Valentine’s Day is Oppressive but I Still Want Chocolate.”

I bet we took the words right out of your mouth.

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