Satire  Published 01/10/18 2:10am

OP-ED: University Plays God by Applying Monday Schedule to Wednesday


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

I’m a simple man. I eat three square meals a day, I do my homework, and I always wear snow boots after November. I know my limits.

This University does not.

Today: Wednesday, January 10th, Penn will flagrantly defy God’s natural order by declaring that the day will function on a Monday schedule.


Does Dr. Gutmann’s arrogance know no bounds? Mankind was not meant to tamper with the markings of Earth’s celestial circuit. Since time immemorial, the phases of the gentle moon let us mark out the days, weeks, and months of our simple, god-fearing lives. As humble servants of heaven, is it not our duty to respect the benevolence of our creator and submit ourselves to His wisdom? If that means letting Wednesday be Wednesday, so be it.

Like Icarus of myth, this University’s administration scrapes against the vault of heaven with obdurate defiance. We are dragged along this fatal course, unwilling victims of a mad hubris that has become all too common in modern society.

I, for one, am taking a stand. Let Dr. Gutmann thunder against God all she wishes: I care not. You will find me obeying Wednesday’s schedule on the 10th, and I hope I will find you doing the same.

And I swear to the almighty that if I find any one of you heathens engaging with this ‘daylight savings time’ nonsense you’ll find yourself burning with the rest.

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