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Satire  Published 01/27/18 12:27pm

​Woke Brother Offers to Pay for Plan B With Fraternity Fund

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Photo by Daniel S. / CC BY 2.0


Wharton sophomore Kevin Zebrowitz gets it. He gets that being a woman is hard and unfair. He understands his privilege. So, Saturday morning, when he, a gentleman, was escorting his lady lover out of the chapter house, Zebrowitz so graciously offered to pay for her Plan B with money from his fraternity. (The woman of Zebrowitz’s affections remains unnamed. He would not disclose this information out of respect for her when he approached us with this heroic story. A testament to his chivalry.)

“I believe it to be my duty not just as a brother, but as a man, to check my privilege,” remarks Zebrowitz, who always refuses to wear a condom. “I would also like to think that my actions reflect the values of my brotherhood: a lot of other frats would just have let the responsibility fall on the woman.” As it turns out, the brothers of Zebrowitz’s frat have held steadfast in checking their privilege, with 12% of the fraternity fund estimated to be dedicated to paying for Plan B and other related expenses.

Zebrowitz, known to always orgasm within the first 5 minutes, was so thoughtful as to point his partner to the nearest CVS. “I really wanted to make sure she got the Plan B,” Zebrowitz shares. “I respect the beauty of creating life as much as the next guy, but I’m just not ready to be a dad, especially not with her. She was a 6.5 at best.”

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