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Satire  Published 12/07/17 6:13am

BREAKING: World Officially at Capacity for Boys Named Matt

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Photo by Tim Evanson / CC BY-SA 2.0


According to a report released today, the world has officially reached capacity for boys named Matt.

The report, which was co-authored by a Wharton professor of economics, shows that one out of every six boys the average person meets is named Matt. That fact, coupled with the current rate of population growth, has revealed that "planet Earth simply does not have the resources to accommodate any more Matts."

The finding comes as a shock to Matts across Penn's campus, most of whom were inculcated with the belief that they were unique individuals with distinctive personalities, talents, and passions. They now know that this belief was unfounded.

Other non-Matt students, however, are largely unsurprised. "During NSO, I kept a ledger of Matts in my planner so I wouldn't get them all mixed up," said Ngozi King (E '21). Some were able to use the name's popularity to their advantage. "I realized pretty early on that if you forget someone's name," said Claude Roland (N '19), "there's a really good chance it was 'Matt.' So now I just call everyone 'Matt.' Hasn't let me down."

"If boys named Matt continue to proliferate unchecked," the report warns, "the effects will be catastrophic." The report did not specify what the effects might be, but suffice it to say that it is probably best not to find out.

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