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Satire  Published 12/07/17 10:54am

Shocking: New Report Shows that 40% of Penn Students Have Never Used "Summer" as Verb

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In a shocking new report released by The New York Times, statistics show that only 40 percent of Penn students have never been able to use "summer" as a verb

"It seems that up to two-fifths of the Penn student body have never summered anywhere. Of that percentage, a jaw-dropping 90 percent have never jet-setted," the report said, "a travesty."

The report was part of a broader investigation of higher education in America, revealing institutions were failing in their responsibilities to educate those who "Coachella'd on the reg."

Protests, sit-ins, and hot yoga classes on College Green have begun in response to the report. "I look around and I just don't see boat shoes," said one Wharton Senior with a sock tan. "Where are the role models for people like me?"

In a statement issued by the school's Board of Trustees, they emphasized their mission to increase the school's admission of those who sometimes feel the need to get away from anything "in the Hamps."

"Penn will conduct an independent investigation looking into our school's growing reputation of lax and lax-nots," said the report, referring to traditional name for the sport of lacrosse, "we are confident we can achieve our goal."

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