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Satire  Published 12/05/17 1:58am

You Can Avoid All Your Winter Responsibilities With One Weird Trick! (It's Seasonal Affective Disorder)

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Photo by Pixabay / CC0


Between finals, formals, and the holidays, winter can sure be busy. Everyone wishes they could pump the brakes on their hectic schedules and kick back with a warm spiced cider instead. But how?

If you are looking to shirk educational, occupational, social, or familial obligations this winter, you’ve clicked the right clickbait.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) ((real acronym)) is a type of depression that is triggered by seasonal changes. Symptoms of SAD may include oversleeping, a lack of interest in activities that were once enjoyable, and purchasing a candle at CVS for all of your Christmas presents. In short, it's a lot harder to show up for anything. 

Other symptoms include a diet based entirely on chicken parmigiana hoagies, repeated postponement of haircuts, and a strong sartorial preference for dark, flowing robes.

As the days get shorter and nights get colder, Seasonal Affective Disorder can reduce your motivation to perform undesirable tasks. Instead of slaving away in the library, why not just hibernate in a blanket burrito? Or watch Cake Boss for seven hours with your mouth agape while your relationships slip away one by one? Yep, it's just as good as it sounds. 

With just one diagnosis of Seasonal Affective Disorder, you can shave your messy winter calendar down to a simple lifestyle of moping and despairing introspection. And get this: it’s free! 

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