Photo by Gabriel White / CC BY-SA 2.0
If you hoist your jugs into a boobie-trap on the daily, you know that you can get away with a couple days of wear-and-tear before tossing it in the hamper. But sometimes the inconveniences of everyday life get in the way of our best intentions hygiene-wise, and we slip up on our laundry duties. If you're not quite sure whether your brassiere really warrants an "all clear," take this quiz to find out!
1. How many bras do you own?
a) 7-12. At least one for each color of the ROYGBIV spectrum.
b) 4-6. One of every style!
c) 1-3. Neutrals only. This ain't no Victoria's Secret catalog.
d) What, are you some kind of fascist? Leave my tits alone.
2. What kind of bra do you feel most comfortable in?
a) Push-up. Don't you dare judge me.
b) Lacy bralette. It's fashion AND function. Heard of it?
c) Sports bra. I want these babies strapped down tight. No funny business.
d) "Comfortable bra" is an oxymoron, sheeple!
3. How often do you wear your favorite bra?
a) They're all my favorite, silly! That's like asking me to choose my favorite child.
b) Probably twice a week. Gotta keep the girls happy.
c) However often I put on a bra. You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?
d) Let's see...how often do you stick hot pins in your eyes?
4. Look down at your chest: what do you see?
a) My...chest? What am I supposed to see?
b) A lil' boob sweat, a lil' wear and tear on the lace.
c) Crumbs. A lot of cru—oh, shit! There's that pretzel I dropped last week and never found!
d) Two lumpy traffic cones leading my way like the North Star.
5. What does your favorite bra most closely resemble?
a) Two pristine teacups joined by silk ribbons and lace.
b) An antique doily you found under a pile of old newspapers at your nana's house.
c) A threadbare undershirt plucked from John Belushi's decomposing casket.
d) Louis C.K.'s career prospects. Get it? But really, what a creep.
If you answered mostly a: Congratulations! You are officially in the pocket of Big Bra, and that means you've got enough in the rotation to last a few weeks without a wash. But we see right through your MO, Pollyanna. Yeah, that's right, we KNOW it's been 6 months since you rinsed out those 34C's. But, you know—that's your business, not ours.
If you answered mostly b: You like to think of yourself as a tidy person, but you just can't work up the effort to wash your underthings more than once every 25 wearings. But hey, that's ok. You're doing the best with what you've got. Stay golden, PonyBra.
If you answered mostly c: Look, we're not here to judge or anything, but you seriously need to give that brassiere a good scrubbin'. Actually, you might be past that point: you need to set that elastic disaster on fire. It's been 3 years. It smells.
If you answered mostly d: I don't mean to alarm you, but you almost certainly #FreedTheNipple long ago. You clearly hate the social construction of the Brassiere Imperative, and honestly, we don't blame you. But we don't understand why you took this quiz. We can't tell you when the last time you washed your bra was because you don't wear one. Please close this tab at once and get back to studying.