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Satire  Published 12/06/17 2:40am

Plumbing Disaster: Drains Overwhelmed in Aftermath of No Shave November

atthecuttingedge

Photo by Andrew Dyer / CC BY-2.0 


The college dorms have their new worst enemy…and his name is that of every guy on campus that participated in No Shave November.

On December 1st, Dave Winters (C ’19) went into his Harrison dorm sink, marveling at the awkward, patchy beard he was sporting all last month. November had come to an end and it was time to say goodbye to the spots of hair fanned across his face. He hadn’t even shaved half of his beard when the sink started to back up and grumble. “I was just like, ‘I’ll deal with this later,’” he said, completely clueless of the catastrophe that was to come. On the other side of campus, in New College House, the same thing was happening in college sophomore Steven Finn's (C ’20). His idea to “handle it in a bit” was about the same as Winters', and by the end of the day the entire campus drainage system was clogged.

Reports indicate that no one has been able to take a shower, or even turn on their sinks, since the first day of the month. “It’s a plumbing disaster,” said Wharton junior Kelly Spellman. "Campus housing is unlivable."

The facilities team has been hard at work trying to clear the drains, but does not predict any progress before the end of the week. “There’s just too much hair,” said one employee. 

Even though the majority of male students could have simply used a small pair of scissors to trim their fuzz, a campus drain expert stated that such a sudden influx of hair was bound to fill up the drain. “Our pipes cannot handle that much blockage," he declared. 

On what might be the bright side of the situation, the clogged drains have resulted in a flock of students running to public bathrooms on Drexel’s campus. “It’s kind of nice, you know?” said one student. “I love getting out of the Penn bubble.”  

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