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Satire  Published 12/06/17 6:59pm

Kings Court Declares Independence From England; War Looms

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Photo by Luke Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian


In a shock that will have geopolitical ramifications around the world, Kings Court English College House has declared itself to be The Democratic College House of Court.

"We the People of 34th and Sansom today declare ourselves free and independent from the tyrannical rule of Amy Gutmann and the Parliament of England," the statement to the United Nations read, "and lay claim, as a free College House, to that land from Axis Pizza to Baby Blues."

Started as a colonial college house by the English in the mid-18th century, Kings Court grew to global economic prominence through trade, manufacturing, and having its own dining hall. Local elites have been calling for more and more self-government in recent decades, but after a series of punitive taxes that resulted in the tar-and-feathering of RA's, it seems that separatist sentiment has reached its boiling point.

The UN Security Council held an emergency meeting to draft a resolution committing peacekeeping troops to the area, but skirmishes have already erupted between local militia and Penn Police. While the English government is reportedly willing to enter negotiations, Amy Gutmann released a statement promising "the head of every rebel on a pike atop the highest highrise for all to see."

"This is certainly the biggest geopolitical campus development we have seen since the Perelman Invasion in the 2000s," said International Relations Professor Ron Glazerman. "Many scholars expected a period of relative peace, but it looks like we may have been wrong. Whether this conflict reaches that level remains to be seen."

While the world waits to see what how this tense situation will involve, the College House's bold declaration and shocking annexation of Shake Shack will surely cause heightened tensions in the region.

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