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Satire  Published 12/08/17 12:28pm

OP-ED: Just Because My Life Goal Is to Exploit Proletariat Labor Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bad Person

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There are a lot of stereotypes about us Whartonites. Some of you think we’re greedy, selfish, and complicit in a power structure that oppresses the lower class. But only some of these rumors are true.

I mean, how could I be an exploitative capitalist? Yes, I want to devalue your labor, but I have posters of Marx and Engels that I found on the side of the street hanging in my room. Does that sound like something a greedy capitalist would do?

Also, for your information, when I was in high school I started an organization that advocated for workers’ rights around the globe. Did I do this just to pad my college application? Maybe. But at least I did something! Besides, I can always use my six-figure job at Goldman after college to fight The Man™ from the inside. I’ll even climb Walmart’s corporate ladder until I’m at the top and ensure that all workers are getting the wage they deserve. I promise.

Did I mention that I’m launching a new startup with some Wharton friends? It’s similar to labor rights club I created in high school, except now I’m going to be focusing on collecting donations. Come to our bake sale on Monday! Am I taking a portion of the donations for myself? Well, yeah, there’s a 40% collection fee, but only because what we’re doing is really hard work. Plus, Kyle’s dad is a Harvard Business School graduate and voted for Obama, and he told us that 40% is a reasonable percentage to take for ourselves. But the rest of it is going straight to charity.

And believe me, I’m a huge feminist. As a man, I always try to make sure that I speak as much as possible in my classes so that my female peers don’t have to. I even hold the door open for girls sometimes, and it’s totally not to just check them out. Even when it comes to social issues outside of women’s rights, I’m definitely not conservative. I didn’t even vote for Trump! Ok, maybe I voted for Gary Johnson, but in hindsight I would’ve voted for Hillary! Definitely not Bernie if he made the ballot, but Hillary for sure.

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