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Satire  Published 12/06/17 2:30am

Stressed-Out Freshman Plays Slap the Bag With Box of Coffee During Finals

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Photos (with edits by MJ Kang) by Dimitri Kouri / CC BY 2.0 and Jeffrey M. Vinocur / CC BY-SA 2.5


Old habits die hard.

Even though Nelly Tompkins (W '21) had only just started drinking upon entering college, she had grown accustomed to drinking culture very quickly. And, boy, does Tompkins drink to get drunk. But with finals approaching, she was forced to cut back her partying from four days a week down to two.

Always a clever one, Tompkins realized she could apply her newfound alcoholism to her studies. “What’s the quickest way to get wine drunk? Slap the bag,” she assured us. “So I said to myself, Nelly, cross applications.”

Throughout the week, she has been playing slap the Dunkin Donuts Box O'Joe, achieving extreme energy boosts whenever necessary. While Tompkins was proud of her innovation, the other people in the Hill College House study room weren’t so happy.

“She wouldn’t leave me and my friends alone until one of us would hold the box up for her,” complained College freshman Catherine Niu. Hill cleaning staff were also dismayed to find coffee stains all over the study room carpet. “She gets more on the ground than she does in her mouth,” Penn employee Brady Rhinen sighed. 

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