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Satire  Published 12/04/17 3:08am

How To Pretend You Want to Be Ryan's Date to Formal When You Really Just Want a New Profile Picture

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Photo from Pixnio / CC0


Ladies! Formal season is here, which means it's the ideal time of the year to change your profile on Faceb- I mean, to get out of your comfort zone and meet someone! As you know, the best (and really, the only) way to meet a man at Penn is to be his date to his formal. That's where it all starts!

But it's also been 5 months since you took that picture at that monument in Barcelona, and you've lost 3 pounds since then, so you also really need a new profile picture to replace it. Here's how to pretend that you're at this formal for Ryan, your crush, not just as a convenient excuse to get your picture taken by Matt Mizbani.

First off, you want to focus on the shoes you choose to wear. You HAVE to wear heels, because you want Ryan to like you and he has to know you're taking the evening seriously. Oh, and the high heels will make you look taller and more slender in any photos from the event! 

Second, make sure you laugh like you're having a GREAT night. At all times. Never stop laughing. You want to make Ryan, that handsome man, feel like he's giving you the best night of your life. That'll boost his ego and make him stick around, which is good? Obviously the more convincing your laugh is, the better you'll look in the picture! 

Last, only drink martinis while you're there. No red wine and no colorful cocktails! You want Ryan to think you're sophisticated and have a mature, refined palate, so that he looks at you like you're something special when the shutter snaps. More importantly, a clear drink won't ever stain your dress, so even if someone bumps into you on the dance floor, you'll still look flawless in the photo. Win-win!

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