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Satire  Published 12/13/17 12:35am

Board Elections Started Eight Hours Ago, and Everyone is Still Here

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


Money. Ambition. Backstabbing. Drama. Intrigue. These may sound like descriptor words for the next hit daytime soap, but they also describe the board elections of the Penn Undergraduate Finance Fellows (PUFF).

At 3:55 a.m. in JMHH G50, tensions among the club members were running high.

"I just think," shouted Jake Schneider (W '18), the outgoing recruitment chair, "there's no way Jamie will be able to meet the demands of this position. At the SAC fair, she didn't get a single person to sign up for our listserv. And we had Insomnia!"

"That's because our posterboard had fucking glitter on it, Jacob," screamed back Sophia Paluso (W '19), the outgoing communications chair. "Who puts yellow glitter on the recruitment sign of a finance club? You know finance buffs hate glitter because it ruins their suits."

A few people in the room nodded assent; others stared blankly at the arguing duo, their eyes glazed over. Elections for PUFF's 2018 board had begun at 8:12 p.m. Although PUFF's board has only six positions - chair, finance chair, recruitment chair, communications chair, education chair, and wooden chair - the club members were somehow only on the fourth position after eight hours.

"These deliberations are taking so long, I've forgotten who we're electing," Arnav Kapoor (W' 20) confessed to us. During the entirety of the elections, Kapoor had been on his laptop for "a CIS project I'm really close to finishing but I gotta do like, right now." His fingers continued to fly across the keyboard as he added, "But I'm usually awake at this time anyway, so it doesn't really bother me that we're still here."

A few club members were prepared for the elections - one even brought a pillow and blanket. Most freshmen, however, were shocked and alarmed that people would spent hours fighting over board positions in order to assume responsibilities they would ultimately shirk.

"It's only going to be like, one line on your resume anyway," pointed out Kelly March (W '21). "So what's the point?"

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