About

Satire  Published 11/23/17 12:08pm

Was Pumpkin Pie Invented by Satan to Sell Sex? A Local Conspiracy Theorist Gives His Take

pie1121972_1280

Photo from Pixabay / CC0


Was pumpkin pie invented by Satan to sell sex? "Absolutely. Yes," remarked Billy Font in a rare in-person interview with UTB's top conspiracy correspondent. 

Font has been de-bunking "so-called 'official' government authored, media crafted" stories since, as Billy so ardently put it, "before any of your goddamn blog's readers gained a sense of moral agency."

Font's latest investigation traces the origins of pumpkin pie in popular myth and oral tradition to Lucifer himself. 

"Like many kiddos, I grew up eating pumpkin pie every Thanksgiving. I didn't think much of it. I even enjoyed my slice with a creamy dollop of Reddi Whip on top. It wasn't until I learned more about the insidious infestation of the fallen angel of light, Lucifer, in all of society's joys and pleasures, that I became suspicious of pumpkin pie."

As Font tells it, one Thanksgiving he was eating his annual slice, when he "had a vision, clear as a day. The decadent whipped cream and the fiery orange pie were suddenly revealed to be obscene images, and my home was so clearly infested with Satan's presence, that I picked up my plate, the plates of my loved ones, and the pan that still had a few slices of the offending substance, and chucked the demonic pastry out of the window of my abode." 

Billy's vision spurred his most recent investigation, which has served a departure from his previous research, which centered on more mainstream conspiracy theories, like the JFK assassination, the moon landing, etc.  

When Billy searched for evidence in biblical text and theological scholarship, he wasn't the least bit surprised to discover that he was absolutely right about pumpkin pie and its role in fostering lustful activities for millennia. Billy has binders and binders of proof that the autumnal dessert has been el Diablo's most successful strategy in the eternal cosmic battle for souls, bringing countless pie munchers to know the darkness of the River Styx and the fiery coldness of the Underworld. 

Although Billy has far too much material to speak about in a single interview, one piece of evidence that he left us with was this: 

"When the Devil, disguised in the form of a snake, tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden, the fruit he offered remains unspecified in the Holy Book itself. Over time, writers, artists, and readers of the scripture have visualized the fruit in many different ways, most commonly as an apple, or even as a fig. Therefore, there is no reason to say that this fruit wasn't a hefty, creamy slice of punkin pie."

UTB's conspiracy correspondent paused briefly in this portion of the interview, trying to recall the rule about fruits versus vegetables. Was tomato the fruit, or was it actually pumpkin pie? 

Before she had a chance to question Billy, he had departed from the abandoned food court, still under renovation at that time, leaving only traces of an odd scent, a strange mixture of cinnamon and sulfur, in his wake. 

For more UTB pumpkin content, go here, here, and here

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.