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Satire  Published 11/07/17 9:15am

10 Senior Superlatives That Didn't Get Published This Year

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0 


Last week, 34th Street released the senior superlative recipients for the Class of 2018. Many of them were quite unique. Among our favorites were “Most Likely to Quit Their Office Job and Become a Farmer” and “Most Likely to Write an Inflammatory Facebook Post.” However, not all of the interesting ones made the cut. We’re here to show you what you missed.

1. Most Likely to Eat an Entire Meatloaf in Under 20 Seconds - There’s a cult community of speed eaters here at Penn. This one’s for you guys—a group of very strange, kinda creepy people.

2. Best Stressed (not to be confused with “Best Dressed”) - Everyone loves to complain about how much work they have. Who does it the best?

3. Most Likely to Call Their Professor “Mom” - Or, alternatively, “Most Likely to Say ‘Oh Shit I Didn’t Mean That’ to the Professor of an 180 Student Lecture”.

4. Closest Exes Who Got Together and Broke Up During NSO - You know exactly who I’m talking about. Those two that hooked up once and started dating, only to break things off less than a week later. Freshman year was rough for them, but now they’re besties.

5. Most Likely to be Unemployed - Yikes. We can see why this one didn’t make it.

6. Least Likely to Name Their Child “Janet” - Now this is something to be proud of.

7. Tallest Guy from Your Freshman Seminar - Why is he so tall? How did he get like that? Why can’t you be that tall? So many questions for the guy whose name is probably Todd, yet so few answers.

8. Most Likely to “Piggyback off Your Point” - Also known as “Most Likely to Never Do Any of the Readings but Still Get Full Participation Points”.

9. Most Likely to Sleep with Your Best Friend and Never Let You Forget It - This one was probably omitted from the list of superlatives that made it for a variety of reasons. What reasons exactly were, however, we’re not too sure of.

10. Coolest UTB Writer - The obvious answer is me. But I’m not a senior, so this one didn’t fly, unfortunately.

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