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Satire  Published 11/01/17 9:04am

WARNING: Locust Walk Traffic Now 90% Dance Troupe

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Photo by: Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian


ALERT: As of Tuesday, the foot traffic on Locust Walk is now 90% dance troupe advertising for upcoming shows. The situation is dangerous, and is quickly reducing the practicality of using the pathway for anything other than an impromptu stage to advertise dance events. Pedestrians are advised to plan alternative routes and avoid boomboxes, pep, and punny names at all costs.

John Q. (SEAS ‘20), a Locust Walk pedestrian, explained the dire situation: “One minute I was passing Huntsman, the next I looked up and I realized I was the only one not dancing. It was horrifying.” Another witness to the jam was Jeremy B. (C ‘18), “I didn’t understand what was happening before it was too late. All of sudden it was just Disney mash-ups and rhythmic thrusting. I barely got through.”

It is estimated that the number of dance troupes now exceeds two dozen and spans across 14 genres. Indeed, from funk to salsa to interpretive dancing, each troupe represents a unique and important take on being a complete obstruction for people attempting to go to class.

When asked for an explanation, an unidentified dancer said, “Simply Salsa 8:00 Saturday the 11th! Be there or be square wooo!” before starting into another lengthy routine set to Calvin Harris’ “Slide.” Another could not hear the questions over their own music. UTB will continue to update with relevant details.

In other news, the other 10% of Locust Walk traffic continues to be tourists taking pictures of buildings.

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