Satire  Published 11/28/17 5:55pm

OP-ED: Can I Try on Your Glasses?


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Hey, cool glasses! Warby Parker? I love glasses, that famous type of eyewear seen on Sigmund Freud and Harry Potter alike. I'm sure other people have worn them, too. When it comes to glasses, I'm well acquainted with their function and prevalence in society.

Those lenses look pretty thick. How bad is your vision? Oh, nice, two numbers. I don't know what those mean. Do I look like an optometrist? I wouldn't know; I've never been to one, because I don't need glasses. Anyway, can I try on your glasses?

Like I said, I know all about glasses. That's why you can trust me with yours! You need them more than I do, I know that. They won't help me see, because I have good vision. It'll be pretty blurry and it'll hurt my head. I have tried on many pairs of glasses before, and the experience is usually fairly similar. So let me try yours on, please!

Yep, just hand them right here... thanks. This is going to be a really enlightening experience for both of us, I think.

Woah. It's so blurry! You have really bad vision, did you know that? Like I implied earlier, I'm not an optometrist. But based on my layman's knowledge of refraction, diffraction, light dynamics, and headaches, your eyes are really bad. I need to make sure you're aware of this. You should be wearing glasses right now, judging by how strong these are.

You must be blind right now, unable to see anything at all, I bet. How do I look? Oh, right, never mind.

Wow, I'm glad we tried this. So cool to see from someone else's point of view, haha. By any reasonable standard, it was a huge waste of time for both of us, and added nothing to our lives. Anyway, can I try on your underwear?

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