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Satire  Published 11/08/17 11:25pm

OP-ED: If There Are Two Amazon Headquarters, Are They Horcruxes?

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Photo: Pixabay / CC0 (edited)


Ever since Amazon announced that it was looking for a city to host their second headquarters, people have been going crazy trying to get their city selected. Philadelphia is no exception — Amy Gutmann has been working with city officials and various groups on campus to woo the company and convince Amazon to settle down in the city of brotherly love.

But amidst all this exciting competition, no one has really stopped to think about what a second Amazon headquarters could mean. Because if there are two Amazon Headquarters, are they horcruxes?

I mean, what other way is there for a company to split its soul in two, thus strengthening its defense mechanisms and making it more difficult to destroy? And if Amazon is successful in establishing a second headquarters, what’s to stop them from creating more? Even … seven?

Now, deniers are likely to claim that a second Amazon headquarters is a bad idea for a horcrux, but perhaps the best place to hide a horcrux is in plain sight. In fact, the company is practically making it too obvious. After all, “Second Amazon Headquarters” is an anagram for “I am Lord Voldemort”.

America cannot turn a blind eye to the dark path Amazon is heading toward. Just like we did during the American Revolution, we must break out of the mold set by the United Kingdom and avoid making their same mistakes. Like President Trump has said, “It's changing out there. Just like last time. There's a storm coming, Harry. And we all best be ready when she does.” So true!

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