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Satire  Published 11/13/17 3:03am

Report: Girl With 64oz Water Bottle Averages 3.2 Bathroom Breaks per Class

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Photo by World's Direction / Public Domain


The numbers are in. 

A report published earlier this week shows that Sofie Greene (E '20), also known to her peers as "the girl with the big-ass water bottle," takes an average of 3.2 bathroom breaks per class. That's over triple the rate of the average Penn student.

Although the statistics are baffling, Greene's classmates are largely unsurprised by the findings. 

"I'm glad it wasn't just me who noticed," said Ron Cuevas (E '18), a classmate in Greene's math recitation. "She consistently sprints to the bathroom, like, 2 to 3 times each class. It's a 50 minute class." 

Greene, a petite sophomore who described herself to reporters as "really into hydration," admits that she never leaves home without a full 64oz Nalgene water bottle. According to the official report, she finishes the contents by around 1 p.m. and refills immediately thereafter. By the time her last class ends at 6 p.m., Greene has imbibed 128 fluid ounces—one full gallon—of water. Sources close to her also note that she carries the water bottle around in her arms like an infant, as it is too big for her backpack.

Her professors have taken note of her behavior. "Yeah, she can really pound 'em down," one professor, who preferred not to be named, told us. "It's definitely disturbing. I look at that water bottle, and I look at her, and I wonder how all the water goes into that one human vessel. And then she leaves class 5 times in an 80-minute class and it begins to make sense."

Although it is burdensome to miss out on class and make a spectacle every time she needs to relieve herself, Greene says the practice has its upsides. "Now, I'm intimately familiar with every bathroom on campus," she explained, taking a slow swig from her half-gallon bottle. "I always know where to go and wh—" she paused, and scampered off to a bathroom down the hall. 

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