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Satire  Published 10/07/17 1:14am

QUIZ: You Took My Laundry Out of the Machine. Are You Happy With Yourself?

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Photo by Ryan McGuire / CC0


Hey, you. I don't know who you are, but I do know one thing: you took my laundry out and set it in a careless, wet heap atop the machine. I didn't even get a chance to move it myself to the dryer, and I set a fucking timer, which means you pulled this bullshit while my clothes were still in the wash. So I've got a few questions for you, punk:

1. Do you think you're fucking slick, moving my personal property when I'm not around to stop you?

a) Yeah, I think I'm pretty slick, my dude. I had my hands and arms all up in your wet pants and feel no shame or remorse, because I am a monster.

b) No, I am not slick. I was just fiending for some clean clothes and couldn't wait two minutes for your laundry cycle to finish up, because I have no impulse control, like a child.

2. Do you realize how hard it is to transfer a giant, damp fabric pile from machine to machine? 

a) Affirmative, brochacho. Not my problemo. But then again, I am the biggest, most gaping asshole on campus.

b) No, because I am an idiot and a stupid, blathering infant.

3. Do you feel good about yourself, knowing that my life is that much harder because of you?

a) Hells yeah, compadre, but I don't really care because I'm a prick with no regard for human life. In fact, if you were in this here laundry room right now you'd fucking catch these hands. I'll curb-stomp your firstborn. I'll shit on your uncle's grave. Your tears are delicious.

b) Well, I guess I hadn't quite thought about it. As far as I know, I am the center of the universe, because (as previously established) I am a child. I lack the life skills and empathy for effective maintenance of healthy, mature relationships. Also like a child, I need to be told what is right and wrong because I have the moral direction of an amoeba and too readily give in to my basest human instincts, regardless of the havoc they may wreak and the bridges they will burn.

4. Just think one more time about your life and your choices.  Are you happy with what you've done?

a) Absolutely, brotendo. My clothes are clean and my conscience is nonexistent.

b) No, I am stupid and self-centered. I should hate myself. I do hate myself.

If you picked mostly A'sYou are an asshole. I despise you with every fiber of my being.

If you picked mostly B'sYou sad, sad person. I despise you with every fiber of my being.

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