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Satire  Published 10/12/17 11:04am

Here's What Your Cover Letter Should ACTUALLY Look Like

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Photo by startupstockphotos.com / CC0


So, you missed the On-Campus Recruiting boat. "It's no big deal," you surely told yourself, "I'll just find a job the old-fashioned way." But then, your OCR friends started getting job offers. And taking them. Now, their summer plans are taken care of; meanwhile, you're losing sleep contemplating what you'll say to Aunt Lisa when she asks you about your career prospects over Thanksgiving turducken. Great.

Suddenly, you're scouring Handshake and LinkedIn and scrambling to get a new resumé together. "Could this get any more stressful?" you wonder. And then it hits you: the cover letter. The dreaded cover letter. Sure, you can bang one out in a snap. But will it be any good? Spoiler alert: no.

Fear not, maverick of the college job market. With these easy editing strategies, your cover letter will transform from bland and tasteless to totally marketable in no time.

Dear Listen up, [employer's name],

I am interested in the [job title] position at [company name] really digging your scene, job-wise. I am currently a student at the University of Pennsylvania Wharton School, and am applying for the 2018 summer placement. I strongly believe that I possess all the qualities and skills required, and am confident that I am an ideal candidate for the position it's in your best interest to give me the job. Capisce?

As a student majoring in [your major] Finance, Wharton, Management and Technology, and having a good time, I am passionate about [relevant topic] getting a job. My area of study has required me to [relevant skill] and [relevant skill] doesn't say jack shit about my love of grey cubicles, windowless rooms, and cold brewskis with the boys, and as demonstrated in my resumé, I have received high marks for my work a pretty gnarly infection from my last summer job.

I have also gained considerable experience in [relevant skill] asking the internet how to treat infections from my past job at [last summer's job]. I would love to bring my passion for [relevant topic] and skillset jobs to your company; however, I know that I have even more to learn from the work [company name] does would also like to work for you.

In conclusion, I believe you will find that I have the necessary skills and enthusiasm for your company to qualify me for the position a long, brown hair in your bacon egg and cheese tomorrow morning. Sorry, that's mine. I have enclosed my resumé a photo of Barry Manilow (and one of Rod Stewart for comparison) and can make a sample of my work mixtape available if you should need it. Thank you for your consideration listening up.

Best Enjoy that bacon egg and cheese, 

[your name]

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