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Satire  Published 10/12/17 1:47am

Breaking: Penn Police Permanently Shuts Down Capogiro for Serving Students Shots of Espresso

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Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian


Just yesterday, Penn’s newly-instated task force took responsibility for ordering Penn Police to shut down the popular campus hub. “Unregistered baristas, no shot limit? You had to have seen it coming” said Joel Fohman, chief officer of Penn Police. “Caffeine is a drug, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s not forget that.”

Turns out, what appeared to be a routine eviction was nothing of the sort. Fohman expressed that the gravity of the situation called for some extreme measures. “We talked to the guy at the door for about 20 minutes and he told us we would need a brother--I mean barista--to come get us if we wanted to get in. That’s when we knew we needed to take it to the next level,” explained Fohman. “First, we shattered those front two windows and evacuated the premises. Then, we turned off the gelato freezer and just let that shit melt.”

Things took a turn for the worse when Fohman stepped behind the counter. “We found a student on the ground who clearly had some sort of buzz going on. He was alert, but jittery. We can’t explain it.” Apparently, this wasn’t the first student to have suffered at the hands of Capogiro. Cameron Cabo (M&T’ 20) was glad to see the go-to coffee chat destination go. “It was 11pm and I had a project due the next morning, so I really needed something to take the edge off. I asked for a shot of espresso and they filled a whole cup. I don’t remember much after that.”

Fohman explained that, ultimately, shutting down Capogiro wasn’t about stopping caffeine usage on campus altogether, but creating a safe and productive space for students. What he envisions for the space next? “Probably another Starbucks.”

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