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Satire  Published 10/11/17 12:36am

BREAKING: Sophomore “Literally Failed” Her Mid-term

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Photo by CollegeDegrees360  / Flickr


At 4:55pm yesterday, October 10, 2017, Under the Button was made aware that Sarah Weinstein “literally failed” her Intro to Biology mid-term.

The sophomore in the College, who had reportedly studied for “years” for this exam, came to the realization she had failed twenty minutes into the hour and a half long test. “I just knew,” Weinstein told UTB.

In an interview outside of David Rittenhouse Lab, UTB further aimed to clarify the nature of Weinstein’s “failure.”  In response to questions about the extent of the failure, Weinstein said she had scored, “Zero. I got zero out of 100 points.”

According to Weinstein, the exam that "genuinely murdered her" was reportedly worth "all of [her] grade." However, Weinstein reassured us that, "it's low-key fine."

Weinstein’s best friends Liv Brady (E’ 20) and Jenny Campbell (C’ 20), were both shocked and deeply concerned by the news.  “After she handed in her exam, Sarah called me and told me she had ‘literally failed out of Penn,’” Jenny told UTB. “I can’t tell if she’s joking, or if I should say my goodbyes right now?  Everything she’s been saying is very concerning but she also keeps saying ‘it's chill’, so I’m a little confused.”

Weinstein’s incident is not isolated. A UTB investigation into the midterm revealed a staggering 92% of Exam takers “failed” the mid-term and an additional 4% could not respond through their crying and heavy breathing. 

UTB still aims to clarify the nature of this news in order to determine definitively whether or not there is serious cause for concern. 

UPDATE 10/11/17:  A UTB staff writer reached out to Weinstein Wednesday morning via her SAS email account only to find that the account had been shut down. The declared Anthropology major has in fact failed out of the University and is no longer enrolled as a student. More to come. 

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