Satire  Published 10/15/17 10:53am

"This Is a Shoes off Room," Declares Freshman Unaware of the Bodily Fluids Covering His Walls and Floor


Photo by Max Pixel / CC0

Bryce Williams (N’21) can’t stand a mess. If you’re a dust speck looking to make a home inside his room, tough luck. You’d have better odds trying to get into a consulting club. As a dust speck.

“I can’t believe some people let visitors track mud all over their rooms,” scoffed Williams, gesturing at the foot of his drawer where residue from dozens of years of drunk freshmen's vomit still remained.

“This is a shoes off room!” announced Williams with a slight hint of pride. “That’s how I make sure everything is neat and tidy.”

Bryce continued his rant. “And to think some people are okay with having shoes on their bed!” he exclaimed, running his hand over a bed frame irreversibly contaminated with ten years' worth of students' bodily fluids. “Good for them. But me? No way.”

After a moment, Bryce gave a wistful sigh. “Now if only I could convince my roommate to take his shoes off too.”

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