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Satire  Published 10/12/17 10:48am

Wow! These Penn Students are Changing the World

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Photo by geralt / CC0


In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sometimes it's easy to forget that the University of Pennsylvania is a motherfucking Ivy League institution, which means the students here are awesome. We interviewed three current undergraduates at Penn who are changing the world with their work:

1. Sarah Whitman

Whitman is a senior in Wharton concentrating in Marketing. She recently launched a startup, CELimO, which she pitched as "Uber for CEOs."

"Occasionally, a CEO might not have a limousine while traveling," explained Whitman. "We want to provide an Uber-like system for them, but where the cars are exclusively limos and the riders are exclusively rich and powerful businessmen. We anticipate a great demand for this service, as well as very promising potential for growth in this market."

While you were fetching coffee at your menial internship last summer, Whitman was developing her startup. We're excited to see how CELimO will revolutionize transportation for the top 1%.

2. Randy Hernandez

Hernandez is a senior CIS major in Engineering. Recently, Hernandez launched a powerful new online platform for ant-farming enthusiasts to connect and exchange ideas.

"I saw an incredible need for this platform after spending some time on my favorite beekeeping forum," said Hernandez. "Bees are all the rage these days, and the art of keeping ants was relegated to a single thread in the 'Off-Topic' subforum. My new page will allow so many formicarium keepers to communicate with others passionate about ants!"

We anticipate that Hernandez's page will be a great boon for ant farmers everywhere, and we're keeping our eyes peeled for his next project.

3. Joe Schmoe

Schmoe is a junior Urban Studies major in the College. He's universally considered to be a "pretty nice, but not that memorable" guy. Although he has no tangible accomplishments to speak of, he changes the world a little bit every day just by being himself. Keep doing you, Joe. Keep doing you.

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