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Satire  Published 10/27/17 4:50pm

Penn Administration Agrees to Stop Using "Midterm," Will Now Use "Bi-Weekly" Instead

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Photo by Alberto G. / CC BY 2.0


It’s about time.

After decades of calling non-final exams "midterms," the Penn administration has finally decided to use the term "bi-weeklies" instead.

The reform was implemented in response to a recent Penn Student Government meeting, during which the Class of '18 President Marco Tkachuk decided it was time to stand up.

“Enough is enough! I have had it with these never-ending exams at this goddamn school. One day I’m celebrating being done with a wave of exams, and then another one just hits me a week later. Since when does the middle of a term happen three times?” Tkachuk yelled.

“Honestly, I never thought about it that way. You’re right,” said Provost Randall Widgett, in agreement with Tkachuk’s statement.

Later that day, in a departmental head meeting, the professors decided to weigh in. Mathematics professor Amir Hasim al-Awad asserted that all students at Penn “deserve to suffer academically” and instead of giving traditional midterms, they should just instead be called "bi-weeklies." He concluded his comments by asking his peers, “Is this Penn or is this daycare?”

The administration will start using the term in the next academic year. One can only hope that the terminology doesn’t screw students over again by giving them false impressions. In the likely event that this does happen, you can look forward to having an exam every other day.

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