About

Satire  Published 10/23/17 1:18pm

OP-ED: In Defense of the Task Force, I Now Have an Excuse to Not Be Social

student849816_960_720

Photo: Pixabay / CC0


Fine, I'll admit it. I need to come out and say one thing: I'm thankful for the task force.

People have a lot of negative things to say about the task force's recommendations— that they're ruining social lives and that they've led to unreasonably aggressive shutting down of parties and gatherings by Penn Police. Well, I'd like to give my two cents and say that the task force has made my social life better than it's ever been. I can finally stay home on weekends without pretending like I care about being a real person. Fun!

My friends will call me asking if I'm "going to the mixer" and, thanks to University overreach, in a heartbeat I can reply, "Sorry, but I just want to err on the safe side. The party could really likely be shut down, and I don't know if I want to dress up for an event that might last 15 minutes." Believe it or not, people are really understanding! More so than they were when I used to tell them I was "just not in the mood to see other humans right now and would rather watch re-runs of Degrassi from 2007."

I even use the administration's misguided attempt to make campus safer as an excuse to get out of 4-person gatherings! Pretty much anything gets shut down these days, so people understand my reluctance to showing up to things. People didn't seem to get it, though, when I refused to show up to a mandatory study group for a class, citing the constant threat of event observers and Penn Police. "Um, you know they're not going to shut down a study session in a Huntsman GSR, right?" Turns out they will, if you go to the bathroom and call the Division of Public Safety.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.