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Satire  Published 10/06/17 12:23am

Senior Signs Deed to New Home at “Back Left Table, Starbucks, 39th Street”

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Photo by Engin_Akyur / CC0 


Buying a house is a milestone in many people’s lives, but finding your dream home? That's something that most can only dream of. For 21 year old Eva Hayes, that dream just became a reality.

Last Sunday, for the price of a grande English breakfast tea and a cheese stick, Eva, a College senior, purchased her first home at “back left table, Starbucks, 39th street”.

In an interview with UTB, Hayes discussed her joy about the occasion, “You know what they say, location, location, location. This is the ideal location, and I’ve never been happier. I can see myself raising my family here five, ten, years down the line. I’m never leaving this table.”

Right now, Hayes says she’s trying to settle in, and to just finish all of the chores that come with moving so she can enjoy her space. “I already changed my mailing address to this table, so at least that’s settled,” she said while scrolling through Facebook in the coveted study spot she had just purchased.

Stephanie Tocopheros, an expert on real estate and urban development at Wharton, says that the property value of a home at Starbucks has gone "through the roof" in recent years, due to "improved amenities, high snack quality, and the fact that people never fucking exit the building."

A day after the purchase, we reached out to Starbucks manager Jim O’Neil to get his take on the move. “I haven’t seen that girl move from that seat since she walked in Sunday morning. She hasn’t even gone to the bathroom,” he said while filing receipts. “When we were closing shop Sunday night I went to ask her to leave – she had been there all day and hadn’t bought more food – but she showed me the paperwork. She legally owns that chair.”

In related News, the Engineering Junior standing at the elevated Starbucks table watching Eva watch Netflix is far from happy.

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