About

Satire  Published 10/04/17 8:22am

Yikes! Lonely Philadelphia Man Misunderstands "Penn Escort" Service

b1fc685d96fa4def8b2281dc4362d31fsized1000x1000

Photo by Stacy Lutner Ritchey


Bernard Watkins was in for quite a surprise when he opened the front door last Saturday. The longtime Philadelphia resident has been yearning for a woman's gentle touch since 1983, when Sharon walked out the door for the last time. Hoping to find some companionship during yet another lonesome night, he dialed "215-898-WALK (9255)," the number listed on a poster on Locust Walk reading "FREE 24/7 PENN WALKING ESCORTS."

Turns out Watkins, 63, had mistaken the University of Pennsylvania's student safety initiative for a Pennsylvania escort service. He was disappointed to find out that the intentions of the young, neon vest-clad woman at his door were not to service him sexually for adequate financial compensation, but to help him stay safe while navigating the immediate West Philadelphia area. Classic mix-up!

Watkins remains embarrassed about the encounter, during which his offer to "give her 'the ol' razzle dazzle'" was gently but professionally rebuffed. Beet-red, he admits that while he "definitely should have thought twice when [he] saw the word 'FREE,'" he thought that the "WALKING" in "WALKING ESCORT" was simply clarification.

"Some of them can't," he huffed.

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.