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Satire  Published 10/19/17 2:03pm

Junior Pretends to Be 21 to Get Free Sauerkraut at Campus Oktoberfest

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Photo by 089photoshootings / Public Domain


Today, from 5:30 to 8:30 pm, the senior class is hosting Oktoberfest on College Green. There will be music by Kweder and free food and beer for all seniors who are of the legal drinking age. What a nice time for everyone to bond and reminisce, right?

Junior Jasper Collins doesn’t think so. “I’ve been looking all over Philly for three years for the best sauerkraut in the tri-state area. Do you know how much money I’ve spent on finely cut cabbage? And these losers get to eat it for free just because they’re seniors? This is a form of ageism, and I will not stand for it.”

He knew what he had to do. Collins immediately ordered a new fake from IDJesus, borrowed his friend Jack’s Class of 2018 P sweater, and bought two large balloons in the shape of a 2 and a 1 and posted a photo of them on Instagram.

“I got my roommate Chris to edit the time stamp on the post to five months ago,” explained the junior. “Yeah, sure, it might seem like a lot of effort but there’s just something about cabbage fermented by lactic acid bacteria that makes me lose my sanity. I need to pretend that I’m 21 so I can get that free sauerkraut.”

When we asked Collins if he would keep his fake ID to get into bars, he seemed surprised. “Why would I do that? Does Smokes have free sauerkraut for seniors, too?”

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