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Satire  Published 10/04/17 8:21am

OP-ED: Hi I’m Dan and I’m Going to Glare at you Until You Leave This GSR

hiimadan

Photo by Lia 8  / WikiCommons


Oh hey, I see I arrived a little early to this GSR and you’re not quite wrapped up yet. That’s totally cool. I’m just going to glare at you through the wall until 5:00pm exactly, if that’s okay with you.

I’m Dan, by the way.

Yeah, I mean it’s 4:57 and if you were to be out by 5:00 exactly, which is my time, you would have definitely started to put to your stuff away by now, but it’s like totally cool. Don’t worry about me! I’ll just try to communicate my rage at you by hatefully staring at you until you leave. Haha! But seriously get out.

Oh, there are plenty of reasonable things I could do right now: go to the bathroom, grab a quick snack from Pret, not stare directly at your face for 3 minutes- but I’d rather be here, silently mouthing profanities at you as you finish up your Skype interview. Oh I’m sorry is my dead-eyed stare distracting you? It’s 4:58, so I don’t really give a shit.

I know, I know... you’d think with how bizarrely seriously I’m taking the hourly GSR times, I wouldn’t be pushing you out at 4:59! But guess what, I’m Dan, and I need 5 wall outlets exactly when I goddam asked for them, so pack up your toys, kids, and get out out of my way.

And if you think for a minute I’m not going to open the door, walk in at 5:00, and start setting up my tablet even though you’re clearly still engaged on Skype, you are sorely mistaken. I am Dan, and as my blank expression and unblinking eyes hopefully communicate, I am the master and commander of this GSR beginning in 30 seconds.

29...28...27...seriously come on, I’m going to murder you. Just kidding.

Not kidding.

5:00. Whoa. It’s go time pal. Holy mother of god this is my room now you better pack up your bags or I will stare into your soul so he- Oh great! You’re on your way out! Awesome, thanks so much for wrapping up for me, I hope I didn’t push you out.

Now stand back and let Danny boy work, I’ve got some ideas that are just too big not be written on a dry-erase wall.

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