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Satire  Published 10/20/17 5:51am

Freshman Romance Sparked by Shared Love of Film, Mutual Friend’s Alcohol Poisoning


Two freshman, Joe S. (W ’21) of Scarsdale, NY and Rachel W. (C ’21) of White Neck, NY have reportedly been seen together as a couple after discovering their shared love of film, as well as jointly experiencing their mutual friend Jeremy’s alcohol poisoning last week.

After flirtatiously knocking on doors, desperate for help with caring for his unconscious friend, Jeremy, Joe happened upon Rachel’s second story Quad double. “We had seen each other around, but he had never actually talked, said Joe. “I forget who talked to who first, but once we did we really quickly hit it off. We talked about Tarantino, Coppola, whether Jeremy had had anything to eat that day—just everything.”

“You know, I had no idea someone else loved Jackie Brown as much as I did. That was just so cool,” said Rachel about that first meeting. “I’ve also never been afraid I was watching a person die, so Joe has already broadened my perspective on life.”

The pair ended up spending the rest of the evening together, talking about their shared enthusiasm for Terrence Malick’s 1973 Badlands, as well as whose turn it was to slap Jeremy to keep him conscious. “He was just so knowledgeable and I thought it was so sexy—New Hollywood, Italian New Wave, what side to roll a sleeping person on so they don’t choke on their own vomit. He’s a real geek, but I love that about him,” said the clearly smitten Rachel.

“You could tell by the way he held Jeremy’s heaving, comatose body over the hall bathroom’s toilet that he’s a nurturer,” she added, blushing. “I like that.”

Joe can recall the exact moment he knew he felt something for Rachel: “Yeah, at one point a vomit speck blew up onto her cheek, and she did this really cute thing where she wiped it off with the back of her hand—you know, it’s hard to explain, but I just felt a connection.”

Rachel agrees. “Yeah, I remember that moment. I was mortified, but I caught him staring at me with this goofy half-smile over the back of Jeremy’s sweat-drenched basketball jersey,” she said. “My stomach had butterflies.”

When asked if Joe remembers the moment he decided to ask Rachel out on a date, he closed his eyes and smiled. “I remember at one point we were having this kind of heated argument about the real meaning of Lost in Translation, you know—was it a romance, a tragedy, a coming-of-age, etc.” he said. "Also we were arguing about whether or not to MERT Jeremy because he was in real bad shape. But she made this point about Bill Murray’s character’s angst, and also about how Jeremy’s mom seemed really strict, and I thought, that’s it, I have to see this girl again,” remembered Joe. “I need someone who can challenge me like that.”

At press time, while the couple's’ parents are reportedly thrilled with the relationship, Jeremy’s mom no longer lets him drink.

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