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Satire  Published 10/14/17 3:52pm

The Five Kinds of Frat Bouncers

frat_dude

Photo by: nym // CC 2.0


Note: This list is not exhaustive and doesn’t include all types, but every bouncer is probably some combination of these.

Mr. Excuses

“I’m sorry man, but if we let you in, we will be violating Pennsylvania state fire codes. If we violate those codes, they’re going to pin the blame on me, and we might never be able to do this again for a long time. I sincerely apologi—you know James!!!? Okay, you can come in. But not you. Apologies, can’t violate those codes.”

The Reasonable Guy

“Yo, you’re that freshman, right? Trust me – it isn’t worth it. You’re going to waste two hours playing pong with watered-down beer and waking up tomorrow morning with an existential crisis. Trust, it’s not even that lit. You should spend those two hours preparing for those midterms and doing those extra readings. Believe me, man.”

The Douchebag

“A 2:1 ratio? Are you kidding me, kid? You must be a freshman or something. Go do me a favor, will you, brochacho? Make some friends. I can’t be seen letting you in with that low of a ratio, or else it will devalue my frat’s impeccable reputation on GreekRanks.com. You know James? That guy doesn’t even exist! Oh … that James? Hmm okay, you and two girls. I mean only the two girls.”

In the event that you do get let into this frat, it ends up being a gigantic cesspool of sweat and indecency. Needless to say, every other song is either something by Justin Bieber or “Cha Cha Slide.”

The Snake

You know those guys who you confide in, because they seem super chill? Those guys who you share your life story with, your greatest ambitions and your spirit animal, only to have them tell you:

“Sorry bro, with that ratio you wouldn’t get in anywhere. Your supply is a bit too low right now, and you’re not even close to our frat’s equilibrium point. Just go take a lap.”

Yeah, we get that you took ECON 010. Also, none of that made sense.

The Realest One

I don’t really know this bouncer, but he actually let me in. Say no more.

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